Most couples tying the knot don’t want to wait until the honeymoon to know if things are going to work in the bedroom and would agree that having sex before marriage is an important way to establish if there’s a basic level of sexual compatibility.
But — without getting into the moral pros and cons of premarital sex — that may not always be the case.
Just because you have good sex, and a lot of it, before marriage doesn’t mean it will be that way for your entire life.
Our bodies and desires naturally change over time in response to both age and major life events, such as having children, and these changes don’t affect everyone in the same way. This means that one partner’s sexual needs and wants often change at a much faster rate than the other’s, resulting in discrepancies that can precipitate conflict, adultery and divorce.
We can’t judge the rest of our sex life by our current experiences, especially if we’ve had a whirlwind romance. In the beginning of our relationship, we’re both under the influence of a potent biochemical cocktail of infatuation hormones.
“A person’s inherent need for sensation is not necessarily obvious in the early stages of a relationship when love itself is a novelty and carries its own thrills,” says Marvin Zuckerman, a professor at the University of Delaware whose research involves sensation-seeking. “It’s when the sex becomes routine that problems occur.” That’s why I recommend that couples talk openly and honestly about sex before they walk down the aisle.
But talking about sex isn’t always easy, even for couples who plan to share everything with each other. Most of us have had some sex education somewhere in the past, but nobody ever taught us how to have a constructive conversation with a partner about the sex we’re having.
When we’re not able to openly talk about sexual preferences with your partner, those bedroom problems will resurface in other aspects of the relationship, and can lead to misdirected frustration.
For those couples who are too inhibited to get this conversation started on their own, a trip to a marriage and family therapist could be an option.
Regardless of the methods used, once couples have broken the silence around this issue, they report feeling incredibly relieved and more secure and optimistic about their sexual future together.
So keep an eye on the long view. A partner is going to be sleeping next to you every night for the rest of your life. By talking about your concerns and expectations you can build a strong foundation for a healthy, happy sex life — till death do you part.